Monthly Archives: February 2021

Psychoanalytic concepts that might help in life and on the spiritual path: ‘good-enough’

This concept of ‘good-enough’ originates in the writings of D. W. Winnicott where he applied it to the part played by the mother in infancy. He describes in his paper on True and False Self (1960) a comparison between two extremes: at one extreme the mother is a ‘good-enough mother’ and by the other the mother ‘is not a good-enough mother’. Another way of thinking of this is to turn it around so the ‘good-enough mother’ (or mothering person) is able to meet the needs and the omnipotence of the infant through responding with ‘enough good’. This has to happen repeatedly so that the infant begins to gain a sense of his or her own agency, and in Winnicott’s terms the True Self begins to have life.

‘In the first case the mother’s adaptation is good enough and in consequence the infant begins to believe in external reality which appears and behaves as if by magic … ‘the True Self has a spontaneity … The infant can now begin to enjoy the illusion of omnipotent creating and controlling, and then can gradually recognize the illusory element, the fact of playing and imagining.’

The mother who is not able to respond with enough good fails to meet the infant’s gestures and needs, instead she puts her own needs and gestures before those of the baby so the baby has to become compliant – here’s the early stages of the False Self where the baby’s needs and omnipotence becomes subsumed by the mother and so not met.

Where the mother’s adaptation to the infant’s needs and gestures and spontaneous impulses is not good enough – where the mothering person has insufficient capacity and not enough good to properly respond, then the infant remains isolated – the infant lives but lives as Winnicott writes falsely. ‘The infant gets seduced into a compliance, and a compliant False Self reacts to environmental demands and the infant seems to accept them.’ The False Self can hide and protect the True Self – there is little if any spontaneity and often the infant and child learns to imitate ‘even attains a show of being real, so that the child may grow up to be just like mother …or whoever at the time dominates the scene.’

As well as helping me understand early infancy and childhood it’s also a useful concept in terms of relationships and spiritual life … it’s easy to transfer early experiences into collective contexts including for example church and religious groups – either that I’m not good enough for a particular church group or the other way round – it doesn’t feel as if there is enough good there for me.

 

Psychoanalytic concepts that might help in life and on the spiritual path: repetition compulsion 2

So why do we/I keep repeating distressing experiences? In The Language of Psychoanalysis Laplanche and Pontalis (1988) describe the central concepts put forward by Freud and how they were developed later by Klein and others. They see the compulsion to repeat as an almost ungovernable impulse as it originates in the unconscious. It is where one deliberately places oneself in distressing situations time and again repeating an old destructive experience. Like in verse 2 of the poem from last week:

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

When this happens, we have the strong impression that it’s just happened because of current circumstances – in other words we don’t see the habitual nature nor part that we play in it.

It’s particularly in chapter 3 that it’s easy to get stuck and that can be for years – the habit takes hold:

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

It maybe that in our unconscious we believe it is possible to repeat the experience, but change the outcome or ending – however, usually, the circumstances are too similar to allow for enough room for change. As Freud wrote, ‘a thing which has not been understood inevitably reappears; like an unlaid ghost, it cannot rest until the mystery has been solved and the spell broken.’ It is about realising what and why we are doing this that causes us so much distress – all over again.

Psychoanalytic concepts that might help in life and on the spiritual path: repetition compulsion

Psychoanalytic concepts that might help in life and on the spiritual path: repetition compulsion

Repetition compulsion is best understood through this poem written by the American singer-songwriter, Portia Nelson, who attending a writers’ workshop was asked to compose her autobiography in five short chapters. This is what she wrote – you may already know it:

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Writing about getting free – Sara Trevelyan

In a deeply personal account, the therapist and spiritual seeker Sara Trevelyan describes falling in love and marrying Jimmy Boyle and their life together for nearly twenty years. However, their paths gradually diverged, and, in her book, Freedom Found Sara explores this journey and what freedom means for her.

‘What is freedom? I see freedom as a choice. It is what we experience deep inside, independent of our circumstances. Jimmy used to talk about setting himself free in prison by being able to choose his own thoughts. He developed a rich imagination, which opened up inner landscapes which helped him to deal with the drabness of his outer surroundings.

In the outside world we can allow ourselves to be driven by our habitual feelings and responses, or we can make a choice to turn within and see things differently – to see the best, understand the lessons, and welcome life as a gift – an ongoing opportunity to grow and develop. The doorway to finding freedom lies within. Everything that I have experienced shows me that I can choose to live freely, joyfully and abundantly, trusting that the deepest healing happens in it sown time and way, through forgiveness, surrender and letting go.’

Trevelyan sees this as requiring patience and learning to trust the slow passage of time to help transform us ‘in accordance with deeper cycles of life embedded in our own nature’. She contrasts this slow change in the soul with the impatience of the ego that thinks it knows best and tries to manipulate the desired outcome.

We are healed over time and although shaped by the past we don’t need to be defined by it.